Violent Men as Fathers

Parenting practices of violent men have been characterized as “more controlling and authoritarian, less consistent, and more likely to manipulate the children and undermine the mothers’ parenting than nonviolent fathers.” (Edleson et al 2003: 2) Likewise, they tended to be less involved in their children’s lives, more likely to use negative parenting techniques (e.g., spanking, yelling), and displayed anger with their children more often. (8)

From a psychoanalytical perspective, these tendencies can be related to a perpetrator’s own unhealthy childhood development and the resultant inability to set natural limits for their children. (n1) Thus, the violent father can project “the disquieting parts of the inner self” onto the developmentally flexible and vulnerable child. In the end, a violent parental pedagogy serves the psychological needs of the parent, not the child. It is easy to see how this becomes a generational cycle, as children who have been punished “for qualities the parents hate in themselves” grow into parents who project those qualities on someone else. This projection, as long as it lasts, gives relief to the parent, who can then regard themselves as good. (Miller 2002)

However, children can also provide a motivation for a violent father to change his behavior, and children often want to continue relations with a violent father. Thus, understanding men as fathers is crucial to not just preventing further violence, but developing programs, policies, and resources for helping violent men become good fathers. (Mandel 2002)

***Notes

1) “Crucial for healthy development [of children] is the respect [from] their care givers, tolerance for their feelings, awareness of their needs and grievances, and authenticity on the part of their parents, whose own freedom--and not pedagogical considerations--sets natural limits for children.” (Miller 2002: 98)